God is my strength...

As it nears the two year anniversary of my dad passing away, it seems like it's getting harder each day. Next Thursday, the 21st will be the day. It's so weird to think that I haven't seen my own father in almost 2 years. That's a long time, but yet it's gone so fast. I can still see his smile and hear his laugh. It's so hard not being able to join my friends to talk about stories of what they've done with their dads and how they just saw their dads this past weekend, etc. Since not everyone knows, it's really difficult for me to talk about my dad because they assume that I still have my dad around. I think I have at least one person each week ask me what's in my locket and I show them all each time =) It's my dad's picture...this locket is so special to me. My friends gave it to me after my dad's funeral and it is probably the most thoughtful gift I've ever received. I wear it everywhere and it means so much to me. But ya, lately it's just been really difficult because people are always asking stuff like, "Are your parents coming?" And stuff like that...I don't know how to respond, so I do the normal, "Oh my mom..." so on and so forth. It sucks to say the least. I know that my dad is in a better place and I wouldn't trade that for him still being sick here on Earth, but it's still really difficult. I just really miss him and being home just isn't the same as it was when he was here. The noise of guitar and singing no longer fills the house each day. We no longer watch the Hawkeye games each Saturday and hear my dad cheering on Iowa. It's just not the same. Well this post is very depressing sounding. I guess the point of this is that I know that this week, God HAS to be the source of my strength. While I was in Haiti, I read in the Bible a verse that said something about God being our only source of strength. That really hit home for me because that day in Haiti, I was struggling, so I definitely need to remember that this week. I also need to learn to be vulnerable this week and go to people for support if I need it.

As I said before, this post is kind of depressing, but it's more of a reminder to me that I need to go to God...He loves me more than anything and He wants me to lean on Him for strength and peace this week. We all need to do this...He is just waiting for us to go to Him and cry to Him. We need Him more than we even realize.

The Seven Deadly Sins: Envy

At Third Reformed Church, we've been learning about the seven deadly sins and yesterday we learned about envy. This sermon, I felt, was speaking directly to me and made complete sense. It talked about how these sins are like cancers in your body. They can literally eat you up inside and ruin relationships. I realized that envy has definitely been tearing me apart over the years and it has affected how I think of other people. For example, if I like a guy and I see him talking to another girl or flirting with her, I get extremely jealous because I wish he would talk to me instead. Yes, I know this sounds ridiculous, but that's what happens. Also when I see a really pretty girl, I get jealous because I wish I looked like that. Those are just a few examples, and I'm sure all girls go through this all the time, but I definitely realized that it has gotten worse for me over the past couple years. Yesterday, at church there was a quote that the pastor put up and it said something about how when we are envious of other people, it's like we are saying to God that His plan is not good enough for us and that we deserve a different plan...a plan like the person you're jealous of. How crazy does that sound?! That might've sounded confusing, but for example, it's saying that if the guy you like likes a different girl, than you're saying to God that you want that girl's plan rather than the plan that God has for you. Hopefully that made a little bit more sense. Also, when you're jealous of another girl for her looks or social skills, it's like telling God that the way He made you, His unique creation, is not good enough for you and you wish you could be different. That's the thing, God made you in His own unique beautiful way!! We shouldn't wish to be like someone else or to have their life because that's NOT God's plan! God's plan for you is so much better for you and just because it's not how YOU want it, does NOT mean that God's messing up and has forgotten about what you need. He knows your every want and need and has not forgotten about your plan.

Well that sounded completely jumbled, but hopefully it makes some sense =) Just remember God made you YOU and not someone else. He has His own individual plan for your life and no one else's plan is right for you =)